Do you wish you could return to a moment in your past?
Do you wish you could return to a moment in your past?
I wish I could go back to 4th grade. Back then, every morning would be filled with excitement and intrigue about what the day would bring. As a 9-year-old, the world truly seems like your oyster, with every corner left to explore. Some kids enjoyed watching TV shows or playing with their favorite action figures, but for me, my backyard was where I found the joy in life. It could be anything I wanted: An unexplored planet, the scorching hot Sahara desert, a deep blue ocean, or a thick, humid jungle. I spent the best times of my life in my backyard. I can remember endless hours of playing all sorts of games.
While there were neverending games to be played outside, the first "game" started as soon as I woke up. Making it out to the backyard early in the morning was challenging if I didn't want to disturb my parents. My happiest memories are those when I would wake up to the sound of the birds chirping and the thin beams of the early morning sunlight streaming through my window. My parents would usually still be asleep as it was only 7:06 a.m. on a Saturday. I would quietly slide out of my creaky bed as swiftly as possible. After putting on my clothes for the day, I carefully tiptoed to my brother's room across the hall to wake him up. On most days, he would already be awake, following the same routine I had just performed, but sometimes he needed extra help getting up. Once we were both ready, the ultimate test began: Getting downstairs without waking our parents. We carried this out with usual success, but on some occasions, they would already be up, and our plan was foiled. Nevertheless, the backyard sat there waiting for us.
I wish I could go back to the days when I would step out of the sliding door onto our back patio and smell the unmistakable smell of the outside. Those hints of pine from the neighbors' yard, coupled with the subtle scent of wet dirt from the light drizzle the night before, still unlock core memories in my mind to this day. In the yard, my brother and I could recreate anything we wanted to. On some days, we were fighting a dragon, and on others, we were scoring the winning goal in the World Cup final.
The backyard was the place where dreams came to life. The place where I could be or do anything I wanted. It was a place where I grew my love for soccer and where my brother and I formed a lifelong bond. Looking back, I see that the simplest objects and activities brought the most joy to my life. Unlike today's youngsters, I didn't need electronic gadgets or gizmos to feel happy. All I needed was my backyard. So, if I could return to any moment in my life, it would be hard to pick a single one, but I know for sure it would be one of the moments spent playing in my backyard.
Going down the rubric, your essay easily clears the 650 word maximum, and the first paragraph provides a pretty good jumping off point. For Narrative, I'd say the detail is pretty good, but the transition from paragraph to paragraph or sentence to sentence can be somewhat jarring, especially the transition from paragraph 1 to 2. While still quite personal I think the essay still fulfils the Reflection requirement of universality quite well. I think that the essay maintains a pretty informal tone which completes that requirement as well. I think the closing also follows the rubric as best as I understand it considering that a story can't really "avoid suggesting one solution or outcome". Finally for writing basics, the paragraphs are different lengths, and so are the sentences, and there's a pretty distinct beginning middle and end, the word choice isn't too concise, but with 190 words to spare you could still easily add on a paragraph to give the readers a little ore information.
ReplyDeleteHey Luca, great job with your essay! It firstly fulfills the 650 word maximum and you go straight into it in your first paragraph so no problems there. In your narration there is vivid detail and I especially like how you go in-depth with some aspects but I would add a little more flow between the paragraphs. You have a good idea in all the paragraphs but a sentence in the start of each paragraph that flows the essay more fluently would make this essay even better. As for the reflection, you definitely talk nicely about the personal aspect but I would hint more to the universal aspect as well, which for this prompt is a little difficult to do. I felt like throughout this story you did a great narration but in the last paragraph if you could add a bit of "universality" to it, it would be really nice. You definitely maintain a great conversational tone as you narrate your experience and your addition of details makes it a really nice touch, so nice job there. Your paragraphs have a nice variety to it, and in the last paragraph you do not avoid suggesting one solution for the reader which is good. So overall, I would say great job but you could work on overall flow and make sure you talk about the universal near the end of the essay. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great essay! You describe your memories very vividly which makes your narrative really engaging. I really like how you included specific sensory details that helps immerse the reader in your story. Your tone is honest and personal, and your closing is a really nice final reflection. My one suggestion would be to expand on both your narrative and your reflection, as since I think you have quite a few words to spare before reaching the maximum I think you could use that to go in a little deeper. I think you could especially elaborate on your last paragraph and your outlook on the memories of your backyard looking back from the present. Overall, this looks really good!
ReplyDeleteExquisite nostalgia-posting.
ReplyDeleteThe detailed prose really makes your 9-year-old's world come alive with the same vividness of said 9-year-old's hyperactive imagination. The tone of your essay also helps to accentuate the innocence and playfulness of your childhood. Given this wealth of memories, there's a lot of material for you to create some sort of lesson out of. Contrasting your childhood worldview with your current self would definitely be interesting, since you seem to hint at that right from the introduction. After all, I'm sure everybody could learn something valuable about the world we exist in from that backyard frolicker.